For the First Time...

For the first time in probably 12 years, I am wearing my hair completely down. 

This may not seem like a big deal to anyone, but believe me, it's a big deal to me.  I have been battling something called Trichotillomania since I was 13 years old.  It's an obsessive compulsive disorder that causes people to pull out their hair at the root, most of the time without realizing their doing it. 

It sounds really scary and gross, but for me, it was mostly just embarrassing and frustrating.  For years, it's taken me longer to get ready than normal because taking a quick shower and leaving the house without drying and strategically styling my hair hasn't been an option.  I constantly worry about whether the short hairs that are growing back in are sticking out or whether my small patches of thin hair were showing.  I simultaneously love and hate swimming.  It's something I really enjoy, but I hate having my hair wet because it gets tougher and tougher to hide my problem hair.  I can only wear my hair in basically two styles.  If I was wearing a hat, that was my chosen look for the day and I wouldn't be taking the hat off unless I was semi-alone and in front of a mirror so I could quickly put my hair up into a ponytail.  I have an abundance of bobby-pins so I can control any pesky hairs that try to break free.  I can't wear my hair down in a headband, and I love headbands!  I had to give a lot of thought to this problem when I was choosing a hairstyle for my wedding, and I hate that.  It's FRUSTRATING.

Not very many people know that I've been dealing with this, so this is a strangely big confession for me.  I've always been and probably always will be really embarrassed by it. Going to get a haircut is on par with the nerves you'd feel going into a job interview or on a first date. I'm always so envious of people who can get a real haircut, who can do a real style, who can do whatever they want with their hair.  It complicates things so much when your hair is a million different lengths.

Luckily for me, and maybe unbelievably, my Trichotillomania was much more manageable than most.  I only pulled the hair from my head, and for whatever reason, my focus was always on the crown of my head.  That made it easier to hide.  Some people pull hair from all over their head, others cause complete bald spots that are sometimes permanent.  Other people pull their eyebrows and eyelashes out. 

It's also one of those terrible habits that is almost impossible to quit.  On more than one occasion, I've commented that trying to quit pulling would be like trying to quit breathing or blinking.  I would be doing it without noticing, but even if I did notice, I couldn't stop because it felt "good" or something.  I've tried EVERYTHING to quit.  I've played with stress balls while doing things that I thought I might pull during (watching tv, reading books, etc.).  I've worn gloves while just hanging out at home (that SUCKED and that attempt ended quickly).  I've made a million promises to myself, created a million deadlines; made a million New Year's resolutions.  I've tried sheer will power; I've worn hats.  I've even taken pills that my mom and I found on the internet.  I've done practically everything except hypnotism, and believe me, that was next on the list.

But for some amazing reason, this year I made a New Year's resolution that stuck.  It has been almost 4 months since I've pulled a single hair.  That is the longest I have ever gone without.  And I do not even feel like I need/want to pull.  It's not even a struggle.  I don't think I'll ever pull again.  I don't know what happened...what clicked in my mind that made me be able to give this up.  I just know I am so thankful and happy.  My hair is still different lengths, but now it's growing back in.  I can actually part my hair!  You wouldn't believe that something so small could bring such excitement, but I haven't had hair to part, and if I have it's been much too short to stay in place for any amount of time. 

Today, I went to a new salon for the very first time and met an adorable girl and introduced her to my troublesome hair.  Cue the nerves.  Her skill with the scissors combined with the fact that my hair is growing and filling in so amazingly lead to me leaving the salon completely and totally giddy.  I told Tyler it's the most confident I've ever felt leaving a hair salon.  And on top of that, my hair was totally down.  No clips, no bobby-pins, no ponytail holders.  Granted, she blow-dried it straight (and did a stellar job at that), but it's really blending so well!  You can hardly tell!  She said it looks like I just looked like a had a cool layered cut that gave me more volume in the back.  That may be a stretch, but I do know that I walked around in public with my hair completely down and uncovered.  I haven't done that in 12 years.

So, we'll see what it does when it's curly.  I'm sure I'm not totally out of the woods and I'll still be sporting my half-up/half-down look for at least a few more months.  But keeping the rest of my hair cut short will really help as far as how long it will take for the previously-pulled hair to catch up.  I can't wait for that day.

I'm sorry this is such a long post.  If you read all of this, know that it means a lot to me that you know what I've been through now.  So many people have such bigger struggles, so I'm sure I might sound silly or dramatic to some, but this has really been my own personal demon for so long.  And I'm glad I'm writing all of this down.  If I ever think I might slip and start pulling again, I'm sure it will really help me to read this and know that it can all be so different.